| ||| We're not good at giving up but this time it's all I have to give... |
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...you're screaming no, NO, don't let me go...|||
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[20 Nov 2004|04:45pm] |
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IIIIIS anyone not doing anything tonight?
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[20 Nov 2004|01:40pm] |
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I'm tryyying...
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[20 Nov 2004|12:37am] |
On the more positivey side of tonight, I love my friends. I went to the mall with Valentine to eeeat and she's amazing and just understands when I need money and like doesn't make me feel bad about it, <3, and then we went to Steph's to watch this movie Igby something it was just amazing and Katie Caroll was there and then we just drove for way too long and I wasted way too much gas but aside from running redlights it was cute fun.
I saw a boy that I used to like tonight.
He was working and I was talking to him and he just didn't even seem to remember what happened.
I think maybe he didn't.
After all...
...guys are assholes to me.
I HATE BEING USED.
...I really like don't know him too much at all but everytime I see him I have to pretend I don't really like him and really want him because of a friend and it's just painful, this summer made me crazy I think.
Over and out.
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[20 Nov 2004|12:28am] |
Eh I don't know I've kinda been having a bad day?
I just dealt with a lot of bitches and dicks and I'm just SO FUCKING TIRED, I'm stressed, I'm getting sick in some weird way, I'm having crazy dramas and bla bla bla just everything's too much.
So much is currently hidden too that it's like...what's up?
Nothing seems like it's going to work out, maybe ever.
...It's kind of hard now.
It is Friday, after all.
No phone call.
I'm...I'm scared.
Oh, and boy stuff...
...WOW I am in love and if not I am definitly in something.
CRAZAY.
Oh, oh, and haha, my aunt wants to invite Brian (aka fagass) to Thanksgiving.
"It'll be like your anniversary" she said. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
::angry face::
It's time for sleep, maybe, in my messy room that's making me twitch.
Life's great, oh, no no, really.
::bang::
:) 'Night...
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[19 Nov 2004|05:09pm] |
Wow.
I was just cleaning out my closet and I found a bunch of boxes with memory stuff and WOW.
The 26 pieces of chewed gum. The pen from the boy. The fucking notes, SO MANY FUCKING NOTES, the menus, the everything stolen, the wrapping paper, various things from various boys, WOW.
It was just all overwheming, these little details that like defined the past 3 years of my life are all in a stupid box.
...It's weird.
I haven't eaten all day and I feel faint but I just have no desire to eat.
Maywood tonight.
Later.
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| PZZ!!!!!!!! |
[18 Nov 2004|09:58pm] |
Tonight was good, shopping/dinner w/ my cousin, good times, lots of n bombs and zoo noises and liscense plate madness, aaand now I feel like I'm going to puke or something, such a nice thing, and then this stupid computer keyboard pullout-y thing keeps breaking and falling on my legs and it huuurts man, mad bruisesss so yeah, that blows a bit, and I pulled this weird muscle and it hurts super bad every like 5 minutes or everytime i like move suddenly? Gay.
Haha I saw Lakresha(sp) at Friday's tonight, she was like OMG THIS IS WHITNEY, I LOVE HERRR! and it was cute and she kept like hanging out with me and my family, yes yes cute cute friends anddd so I have a bunch of apps (jobs&colleges) to fill out now because I don't know I haven't had ANY coffee all day (or 3 sips of OLD cold black coffee which totally doesn't count) but somehow I'm still like super wired?
Whatever I'm TOTALLY STRESSED about everything lately, ESP my fucking art teacher! SUSPENSION WOOHOO!
UM so yeah, peace.
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| Don't gasp at the predictable, a comforting lie can't last... |
[18 Nov 2004|04:58pm] |
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IT FADES TOO DAMN FAST!
Katie just stopped by, she wanted to hang out but I have previous engagements and I feel like such a disappointment and such a waste and I feel like all of my friends absolutely hate me lately, and all day I was saying I just want to go out with someone and drink coffee and just TALK and apparently so did she so we're probably both feeling the same crazy stress and pressure and I feel like as usual I let my friend down.
I'm really tired right now no coffee and tons of depressants of one form or another and I think I'm getting sick b/c I have some weird throat thingy going on, I feel SO ugly and fat lately, like I keep...I don't know. B. again. Driving me crazy.
I need help, for real.
Whatever, it's life.
Katie says there's over 700 calories in one shot of vodka.
...Shit, son?
:| Later.
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[18 Nov 2004|03:56pm] |
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Life.Doesn't.Matter.
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| YYYYYYYYYYAY PANCAKES! |
[18 Nov 2004|03:15pm] |
UH...today SUCKED!
I felt fat and ugly this morning after another pregnancy dream which means :| and then after getting stuck in traffic I went to school and someone stole my spot so it took an hour to find another one (2 minutes) and then I got in trouble for taking someone's spot then I got in trouble for cutting a class I didn't cut and then I had this meeting with Norestky and SHE MADE ME CRY! SO mean...
...and it turns out Hughes went to her to copmlain about me being OBNOXIOUS in class well FUCK HER because I asked EVERYONE in that class if they thougth so and they said NO so FUCK YOU HUGHES I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON A LESBIAN'S SPECIAL PLACE BECAUSE YOU'RE A MEAN OLD FAG AND I HATE YOU.
The rest of the day was just "why am I here? I can't wait to go and drink."
SO YEAH, I took mood stabilizers this morning and then I took more because I liked the effect so I'm anxious to see what the mixed side effect is, I have to go shopping/out to dinner with my aunt/mom/cousin so that should be cool I just hope I sober up scout, because MAN nobody listens when you tell them you're in serious trouble...and really messed up, and you really need help...
So I'm going back to a drunken drugged up fool, friendless, alone, the works.
It's life, whatever.
I had to drive Katie home today because Lee lied about not going home so w/e now thinking about it I realize I really miss him, but whatever I don't exist to him any longer WHATEVER all men are scum anyway except well I don't want to say who because I am in lust and yeah those things are private, and so yeah, I tried to talk to her, all day really, and she just kinda ignored my insane cries for attention, she's my best friend AKSDJFKSDJFK so w/e, she's gay!
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm out. LATER.
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[17 Nov 2004|09:11pm] |
ksdjfkdsjfkdjfk BOYS ARE SUCH FUCKING LIARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the fuck now, I'm not ...
... WHAT THE FUCK!?
This is me VERY PISSED OFF because boys who ruin my life always date my friends.
SJDFKSDJFKLDSJFKDSFDS NEVER A-FUCKING-GAIN!!!!!!
Fuck you!
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[17 Nov 2004|07:41pm] |
Virgo :
You know what you want as soon as you set your eyes on it. Put your bravery and your smarts to good use and go forward to claim what's yours. Chances are you will be rewarded with a positive outcome. Life finds you irresistible, and you continually discover yourself in situations that enhance your good mood. Look to others for inspiration and fun. Spend time with someone whose adventurous spirit matches yours. Romance and treasure hunting are favored activities.
:)
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[16 Nov 2004|07:28pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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the prize fight - someone else <|3 |
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Bleh, that kinda sucked, but was kinda really funny, I dunno I accidentally punctured some weird blue thingy in my hand and it bled a ton and so I passed out and like broke myself, but it was just funny because I'm dumb and like didn't even realize I was pressing my hand into something super sharp, WHATEVER anyway I hae some weird stomache thingy going on today, I think my uterus is like going to explode, man I swear I'm like never having children ever, am I still talking?
I've had a lot on my mind lately, with the move and the deaths and the overall chaos of the whole orphan situation.
The past few maybe months have been a bit of a blur, and I haven't really been taking my medication (no time or I just didn't remember ever) so I got a little confused and a little crazy I guess, I dunno it only hit me a couple of days ago when I started acting like my dad again, and then this morning in the shower I had this intense flashback, a tad too vivid, just me curled up in a ball in the corner of the shower bleeding and waiting to die, it was weird, and I realized that the reason for that doesn't even matter much to me anymore, and I'm not sure if that's good, if I'm letting go, if it's super healthy or...
...or I guess if it's just taking away everyone/everything that I love.
Whatever, it's confusing, I'm just kind of planning on pretending all of high school just never happened when this whole unstable mess is over with, and just be a normal person in college?
College is going to have to be amazing.
Man...it'll be nice to meet new poeple who don't know my past, or at least to not be around people who never realized my past...whatever I'm rambling, I have to go cleeean of course of course, I just want to sell this fucking house and mooove.
WHATTHEFUCKEVER.
Alllright, I'm out.
Oh, and I'm in love.
Haha, everyone else is doing it.
;)
Hahaha oh yeah so it turns out I like IMed a bunch of random people the other night and I don't remember it, apparently I talked to this guy I met in Florida like years ago and declared my love for him and Italked to some people I'm just like not on speaking terms with (certain bffs turned sluts...)
...so the confrontation the next day was a little awkward...
...yeah, I do some really fucked up GAY stupid things, and quite often.
So I guess that means...
From this day forward I am straightedge!
SO not goign to happen but, it's a nice thought.
To be able to function or even enjoy life without outside influence.
Hmm.
It's a crazy fucking world.
Peace out killah.
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[16 Nov 2004|03:51pm] |
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funeral for a friend |
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No school today.
But it has been a while.
So yay for me.
I spent the morning "reflecting" which was nice, and then now I'm just like in this caffiene-free daze and I wish I could just sleeep but that's no longer an option for some crazy reason, I keep finding myself incredibly bored, all I do anymore is read and play my guitar until my fingers bleed. It's weird, I hate hate hate to be alone but lately I've just been completely withdrawn.
My thought for the day, I don't know.
How is it only Tuesday?
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| "It's cruel and unusual torture. Um, punishment." "I have smart friends." <3 |
[15 Nov 2004|08:59pm] |
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edwin mccain/the faint/brand new... nice combination |
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I went to Valentine's house tonight to work on the lamest project everr and I had so so much fun because I love my best friend and I'm just going to miss this SO MUCH when she goes away!
We just sat in her room for hours with glue and construction paper and Jason Mraz...
...I'm already starting to feel the separation anxiety.
I'm not READY.
I need to stop being a waste.
I'm so sick of needing to alter my consciousness in order to be myself.
...Aren't I not myself if I fuck with that?
...I'm just lost, it's somewhat expected.
I'm still really messed up about the boy, and the girl, and the lies.
I'm so sick of being your midnight last resort.
I'm better than that.
I'm so tired, everything's so all messy.
I just need to get away again.
And maybe stay away.
Or perhaps let someone in.
I miss you.
---.
<|3
"I'm a hardcore addict without the substance."
"So you're straightedge?"
Hahaha "Are you Jenny Valentine?"
<3333333333333333333333333333 DON'T GO AWAY TO COLLEGE BITCH!
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[15 Nov 2004|06:03pm] |
I was driving home from the chiropractor and I saw something rolling underneath the guy in front of me's truck.
It was Killer, the dog that used to visit me all the time.
I was going to stay with him until the police came, so I sat there listening to him cry and then he stopped.
:'(
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[14 Nov 2004|11:40pm] |
Boys are obnoxious.
Ladies, agreed?
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| Oh, awe... |
[14 Nov 2004|11:18pm] |
"
And this ain't her first heartache, but it feels like, it feels like the worst
And she says can someone tel me how this can happen, and I guess that god only knows...
"
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startingth3line's journal
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